Q & A on the Talk “Communicating effectively with
your child”
By WINGS Counselling
Centre
On the 22nd March 08, Sarada Kindergarten, in
collaboration with the TAPAS organized a talk on “Communicating effectively with
your child” for the parents.
The talk was conducted by Ms Suhrita Gupta and the
Questions and Answers were managed by Ms Hema Gurnani from WINGS Counselling
Centre.
The aim of the talk was to provide a platform for the
parents to develop relevant skills /approaches on effective communication with
young child /children.
As trainers, we believe that when parents use age
appropriate methodologies in communicating with children it makes a difference
that impacts the disciplining of the child / children.
The process becomes more rewarding and the approaches
become more effective when applied consistently to enforce the acceptable or
desired discipline / behaviour in young children.
During the formative years of a child’s life, if parents
adopt faulty methods to discipline or communicate with young children, children
tend to learn faulty methods of thinking, which can continue to affect their
behaviours and attitudes when they become teenagers.
Hence we recommend all parents to be equipped with
relevant skills so as to make the journey of parenting rewarding, meaningful,
enjoyable and successful.
Below are the questions that parents
asked.
School related:
Q1. My child picks up words such as ‘stupid’ or ‘shut
up’ from other students in school. How can I prevent him from using such words
both in and out of school?
·
In such situation, it is advisable
for parents to have a small talk with the child on a one-to-one basis. If your
aim is to get your child to stop using inappropriate words, your approach is
equally important. Scolding or extreme punishments usually do not work well with
young children.
·
What can you do? Firstly bear in
mind the age of the child, because long discussions will not serve any purpose.
When you have the attention of your child, in very short and simple language you
can make your child understand the meaning of those “inappropriate words”.
Explain to him/her that how he/she will feel if someone else uses such words on
him/her or someone who he/she loves. After this, do not pay too much attention
to this issue. Soon you will see that the child has stopped using those words
because he/she wants to respect your explanation and have understood how it
impacts others’ feelings.
·
It is very normal for young children
to pick up certain ‘words’ that their classmates or a teacher uses in
class/school. Very often children like to role-model / imitate their peers/
teachers. What parents need to realize is that you cannot control the
environmental influences the child is exposed, but as parents YOU have the power
to empower and steer your child’s values systems because the child spends most
of his/her time with the family. Help your child to become a strong individual
who is able to distinguish right attitudes/behaviours from wrong ones and to
resist peer-pressure from a very young age.
Q 2. My child is very reserved. He does not mingle
easily with anyone else. How can I teach my child to interact well with others
and to become more social?
·
Some children by nature tend to be
quieter (introverted) than other children. This could be due to a personality
trait. It seems that quieter children talk, smile or even interact less.
However, this does not necessarily mean that they are unhappy children.
·
Socialization is a vital aspect of
the child development process where child/children learn to interact
appropriately with his/her peers. (Is this necessary?)
·
Usually children coming from a
nuclear family, or if he/she is the only child in the family, he/she may seem
quieter when compared with children from a joint family with more people to
interact.
·
The good news is that even the
quieter children learn to interact well, once they start schooling. So give your
child some more time (if he/she has just started schooling) and observe his
progress.
·
What you can do to hasten the
process: Take your child more frequently to the playground. Introduce him/her to
the play ground friends. Allow him to play on his own, instead of you standing
next to him and telling him/her what to do. Teaching young children how to make
friends. (HOW? teach him/her how to introduce himself/herself …e.g.: hi! my name
is Krishna, what is your name?) Read to your child simple stories about the
importance of having good friends. Also never forget to teach children
appropriate behaviours with friends (e.g.: smile/shake hands and not to push or
pinch) Try and explain young children how to socialize in different
situations(e.g.: home/school/playground/friends/party)
Q 3. How should I react when my child starts bullying
other children?
·
You can start off by talking about
how bullying impacts others and the consequences of bullying. (Be mindful of the
age of the child)
·
Ask him/her how he would feel if
someone would bully him/her.(evoke subjective feelings)
·
Re-look at the situation
differently. Ask yourself! Is anyone bullying your child at Home
(retrospect)
·
Why? Because…..some adults / parents
out of love tend to tease young children. This is where children adopt the
understanding that teasing/bullying is an okay behaviour.
Q 4. How do I react when my child reacts
negatively?
·
When young children react negatively
(by saying NO! to everything you say) you may want to change your approach of
disciplining or communicating. (e.g.: go and bathe, come to eat, go to sleep
now!)
·
Young children need very simple and
clear guide lines that need to be consistent with both parents. When
disciplining children this is an area where both parents need to take a united
stand to agree on disciplining methods and time-out methods.
·
Be understanding of your child’s age
appropriate needs (after a long school day he maybe tired) allow him to rest
before you expect him to do his home work.
·
Be kind to young children BUT be
firm and say NO to unnecessary demands of your child. It is also important to
rationalize your ‘NO’ with a simple explanation. This explanation will allow
your child to understand the reasons of your NO.
·
If parents practice this simple
consistent method, children soon learn to comply.
Q 5. Is it okay for me to scare my children into
listening to me when they don’t listen to me when I ask them politely? (E.g.: If
you don’t listen to me I will send you to boarding school.)
·
Scaring any child is not a healthy
way of disciplining. It is no use making empty threats that you may never carry
out. Soon your child will learn that her parents will never act on the threats
made.
·
If such methods are used by parents,
chances are that the child will simply continue disobeying because he/she has
become immune to your threats. This is an ineffective way of
disciplining.
Q 6. My daughter loves to read but refuses to do her
homework. She also doesn’t like doing maths.
·
When we talk about young children
and study related issue of school work, one needs to understand the age of the
child. Example: How much homework does she get? Do you give additional work? Is
your child able to handle such pressures / expectations? Once you understand
your child and her capabilities I am sure you will be able differentiate what is
expected of a child of that age-group.
·
Most young children love to hear
stories from their teachers/parents. When children are able to read on their own
they enjoy reading on their own. This is a good sign so try and encourage your
daughter to read as much as she can. Reading not only broadens children’s
imagination but also improves their expressive language abilities and writing
skills.
·
Very few children are lucky to be
good in all subjects and skills. If your daughter is not too interested in
Maths, find innovative ways to teach. Inject fun to teach Maths. (e.g.: try
teaching addition by count the crayons. Subtractions by putting the crayons back
into the box)
·
Do not overload your daughter with
too much written work. When any child is mentally tired there is no point
forcing him/her to study. The process will be futile, counter-productive, and
frustrating for you and the child.
·
Possibility? Maybe your child is
having a genuine problem with maths. Monitor her studies and observe any
improvement. If the situation has not improved talk to her teachers in school to
find out more about her difficult areas of work.
·
Maths is a skill based subject. With
regular practice of 30 minutes per day will definitely help. Please make it a
fun process, not a drilling exercise.
Home related issues:
Q 7. When we say ‘let’s do it together’, our children
expect us to join them in everything, even if it is a task that we have
previously already done together. What is your suggestion?
·
Be specific and clear of your
instructions. (e.g.: how many times (3 times) you will assist them. (e.g.
homework/ cleaning their room)
·
After the third time, you can be
supportive by supervising rather than helping. You can sit with your child when
he is doing his homework. Gradually allow him to do on his own. If the job is
well-done reward him with encouraging words because you want him to continue
this good behaviour.
·
After supporting the children for
many times and if they still refuses to do it on their own - DO NOT HELP, let
them face the consequences. Being firm does not mean being harsh… tough love
helps in the long run when it comes to disciplining children.
Q 8. My child likes mimicking her teacher’s actions and
postures. She even pretends to be her younger sibling’s teacher when she is at
home.
·
It is very common for kindergarten
children to imitate their friends / teachers. Similarly it is common for
children to imitate their parents when in school because children like to
pretend to be like their teacher/mother/father/friend
etc.
·
In my view, this is not something
that you as a parent should be overtly concerned. Rather observe you child when
she is mimicking in a non-threatening way. This will give an idea what is
happening in the classroom or how she is relating to her teachers/friends at
school.
Q 9. My child always bargains with me, and we
always give in to his demands. How do I start to lay down rules? Is it
too late? Will he obey me as I have always been very soft with him .Usually if
he doesn’t listen to me, I’ll just let him do things his own
way.
·
You have answered your own
question……….We always give in to his demands! When parents fail to set
firm boundaries children very soon pick ways to get things done their way. Use a
different approach!
·
Disciplining and setting boundaries
are very important areas of foundation in young children. Decide what
values/norms are important in your family then start being firm with areas that
need more attention.
·
Do not panic… it is not late to undo
this process as your child is still in kindergarten. Follow simple rules
like: Be clear, be firm and be consistent in standing firm with your reasonable
expectations. Rewards and punishments are good way to encourage good and
acceptable behaviour.
·
Have similar family rules that apply
to all children. Avoid being unfair towards any one child be it younger or
older. Lastly be simple and clear when communicating your
message.
Q 10. How do I talk to my child when he shows
tantrums?
·
Take into consideration the age of
the child. If a 5 year old throws tantrum every time you ask him to bathe, then
there might be a small problem that needs to be tackled.
·
When young children throw up
tantrums it would be advisable for parents to identify the triggers of the
tantrums. (e.g.: is it every day/once in a while)
·
Be gentle but firm-do when you are
correcting the behaviour. Do not blame, ignore, threaten or withhold love also
do not fall prey to his tantrums. Children are smarter……he must have learnt that
he can get his way out by throwing a tantrum.
·
Set appropriate boundaries and age
appropriate punishments methods if he disobeys (e.g. you can’t watch your
favourite show today because I did not like how you behaved at the shopping
mall.)
Q 11. My son starts the day with the phrase.’ I want to
go shopping/eat pizza’. If we say’ let’s go later or let’s brush your teeth /
take a bath’ he starts crying.
I am not too sure the age of your child, so my answer
will be more generic that can apply to kindergarten children.
Disciplining is about teaching children acceptable norms
of behaviour patterns. If you want to teach your child, regular habits
(brushing/bathing) then you should encourage the same routine everyday. Only
then will children understand what he is expected to do every morning when he
wakes up.
If your have (unknowingly) given in to him whenever he
had cried (past) ……he is trying to push his luck and you are getting really
frustrated because your tolerance level is becoming very low.
·
Try setting age appropriate rules he
can understand and follow.
·
Use age appropriate communication to
explain the importance of these habits.
·
Be specific when you say ‘Later’
(Does he understand “later” mean……never!) Children interpret words
differently, so be specific……….later as today, tomorrow,
weekend)
·
Communication is the only weapon for
effective disciplining, so specify what he is expected to do
everyday.
·
Teach to your child acceptable / not
acceptable (what is okay and not okay) behaviour by parents.
·
Tell stories about good eating
habits/why children must have a bath / go to school.
·
Be gentle but firm, and consistent
in your disciplining. DO NOT give in when he starts to cry, rather if he follows
the instructions without you reminding praise his good
behaviour.
Q 12. How do you communicate with a child that cries for
everything little thing. (E.g. I wanted to cut her hair, but she is very
attached to her long hair. Even though I explained to her that because she is
young, shorter hair would be easier and neater, she insists on having long
hair.)
·
Crying is also a form of
communication many children use to get away with what they want… and many
parents become victims to such situations.
·
Maybe your girl really likes having
long hair, how about exploring with her why she loves long hair. Your
explanation of being young, too long hair, easier, neater obviously does not
sound reasonable to your daughter. How about explaining to her about the hot
weather, how she has to depend on the mother to wash/brush the hair.
·
Options: Since she loves to have
long hair, how about negotiating a medium length hair. That way you both are
winners. This will go a long way in teaching her to be more independent,
responsible in managing her hair.
·
When addressing such sensitive
issues of children try and understand the Childs feelings.
Q 13. Our child does not eat properly. Also complains a
lot when given milk to drink. How do I coax her to eat
properly?
·
You are not alone in the battle
front as many parents experience their children’s poor eating or milk drinking
habits.
·
Maybe your child is milk intolerant,
have a word with your family doctor. There are many tonics that enhance
eating/drinking habits of young children.
·
If your child is milk tolerant, try
flavored milks like Milo.
·
Make meal times enjoyable-not a
battle field………forcing does not help.
·
Identify food your child enjoys, and
then slowly introduce new items in small proportions. (e.g. if your child likes
rice and yogurt, introduce a small amount of veggies mashed into the rice)
Yogurt is a form of milk product. How about a cheese sandwich?
·
Some parents find it useful to use a
reward system. Eg: If you drink your milk every morning before going to
school, I will take you for swimming on Saturday. Please keep up with such
promise.
Q14. Both our sons are fighting with each other. How do
I effectively communicate, and teach them to behave
properly.
·
Obviously there seems to be some
level of sibling rivalry amongst your two sons. This usually happens when one
child (usually the older child) views that the parents are spending more time or
favouring the younger child more than the older child. The jealousy comes in
when children feel neglected, unloved, unwanted. This negative energy at times
can be converted to hatred so parents need to understand that they need to
manage such issues very sensitively.
·
Scolding, threatening is not a good
form of communication when sibling rivalry is prominent. Age of the child is
very important when communicating to the child who is feeling
neglected. Use simple explanation to find out why he is feeling this way.
Establish a good relationship and try spending one to one time with your
older son who is screaming for your attention. Get him involved in doing things
for the younger one……… (e.g.: Can you help me to take care of your younger
brother while I have my tea.) Chances are…. Your son will want to try and please
you and soon the hatred will change into a loving and caring attitude towards
the younger brother. What is most important is the way parents handle sibling
rivalry.
·
If the children are a bit older, let
them settle their fights amongst themselves. Parents should not interfere unless
there is a danger to the child/children. If parent interferes in their
children’s disagreements/fights, the child who is feeling neglected will seen
the interference of the parent(s) as favouritism that could further aggravate
the sibling rivalry issue.
Q 15. When my children fight, I try and correct their
behaviour, one of them; especially the older one will always complain that I
always take the side of the younger one. (Please read the answer 14 to get an
insight to sibling rivalry)
·
BE FAIR. Assess the needs of both
children. You are doing a good job as a parent to correct the behaviour. What is
more important is the parents approach when correcting the behaviour. When
correcting inappropriate behaviour, clearly explain the behaviour of your child
that you did not like (act) and do not blame the child. Else he would think that
you do not like/love him.
·
Spending quality time with both
children would definitely help. (e.g.: taking a drive back home from school, or
teaching the child) If the other child tries to manipulate to get your attention
by crying or calling you, be firm but gentle and explain to your younger child
who is trying to manipulate you, “I told you that I will come and sit with you
after your brother finishes his homework) Make sure this information has been
clearly explained to your child earlier.
·
But what if the child is too young?
Well in such situations as a parent you have to find the window of opportunities
you have when your younger child is either busy or sleeping. Try and work out a
pattern that works for you and your family.
·
When you want to try and understand
a child’s misbehaviour… pay attention and just “Listen” without interrupting
your child. After hearing him/her out you may want to empathize or suggest your
view depending on the difficulty or the grievances.
·
Crying is usually a sign of
emotional distress (cry for help or attention) When children are emotionally
distressed they are unable to express or verbalize the feeling due to the
over-whelming hurt or upsetting feeling. This lead to tearing (for older
boys/girls) and loud crying for younger children. Please note that some children
do resort to extreme anger when emotionally charged. This usually happens when
children do not know or has not been taught how to express (or not given
permission to express… e.g.: boys don’t cry!) negative feelings in a positive
manner.
By: Hema Gurnani @ WINGS Counselling
Centre.
